Monday, December 21, 2009

back!

I have been watching some little guys from THS for Heather for the last little bit. Only one has been given a much deserved name - Sneezy. They're about 3 months old, and all kinds of variations of black and white. All are in great shape, except for Sneezy.

Of course Sneezy has to be the most ridiculously friendly kitten ever. He is generally always on my neck, or chest, or curled up in my lap. Unfortunately, as soon as you sit down, he likes to walk right up to your face, snuggle into you, and then look directly into your eyes and sneeze goo every which way.

I had a quick trip to Montreal, and came home to find three very "attention starved" kittens. So, there was definitely a point earlier when I had 2 kittens on either of my shoulders and a third in my lap.

While I was in Montreal, we went to the mall. Of course, there was a pet store. Of course, I "had" to go in. I don't just like cats, I like everything! I love to watch birds, and I can lose myself for a good while in a pet shop with a decent aquarium section. Much to my heartbreak, however, I discovered that they sold puppies and kittens there. What the hell! I can't remember the last time I went into a store that sold kittens and puppies. This...really bothered me. A Himalayan kitten for $600. $600!?! Who wants to pay that much for a cat, really. It blows my mind that cats can and do sell for that when you could instead rescue a gorgeous purebred for next to nothing.

Somehow this came up a little while ago, and I found myself at the Pj's Pet website. I did laugh in a way, because their "meet a breeder" video really only, in my opinion, hurts them more than it's attempt at helping. "Why did I get into it? To make some money from home." *Cringe*. Not to mention the video shows one woman breeding about four different breeds. So much for genetic variation and attempts to adhere to a breed standard! I don't know, it just blows my mind. I just wanted to scream at someone when I was in the store.

So much for an eloquent post!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

an absence

I haven't written in a while. For the last 2 weeks, I have been foster cat free. Piglet, Chai and Adeline all went to a store while I was on vacation, and much to my surprise and heartache, both Piglet and Chai were adopted very quickly. Adeline and Chico are my only unadopted cats, but they're both not with me anymore.

The last two months...really sucked. A lot. I didn't know what to say or how to say it...I joked to Heather about two months ago, that my kitten mortality rate was ubsurdly high - something like 40%, and I wanted to just have a nice time for once where no bad things happened. My cats are always insane for some reason it seems...even Chai ended up having a blocked nipple at one point that required a vet trip. I always say that I have terrible luck, and if anything, the last two months...kind of show it even more.

First there was Bart and Emmett...and then Chai, she had five little kittens, and only Mist survived. She nursed another five orphaned kittens, and I lost one of those ones too. Then there was Cloud & Chico, and Flip and Chloe and Samba, and they were all healthy...although I couldn't make Chloe and Samba come around to me (they were feral), luckily Heather coaxed Chloe out of her shell, but Samba had to be adopted to a farm.

I took Destiny from Heather at this point, and she was SO tiny and weak, but Heather said that after all she'd fought through, she wasn't worried about her dying. 12hours later with me, of course, she was dead.

So, after the whole Chai ordeal, Heather brought me a nice FAT grey girl named Adeline who was pregnant. She had been at the shelter forever, she had no URI, everything was supposed to be great.

She ended up amazing us with only three kittens, one was healthy, one was born with no anus, and the third was born with some of his organs outside of his body - he of course died almost right away. The second was euthanised by a vet, and the first suddenly died a day or two later.

So, that didn't go as planned.

Barrett and Piglet were my last kittens at that time, and that group of orphaned kittens had had terrible luck - an eye infection that kept going around etc etc. Every time they were supposed to go to the store, someone would get sick, they'd be quarantined, it would be passed around...it really happened at least twice. Then of course, the night Piglet was supposed to go to the store the third time...Barrett suddenly died. Quarantine again. After what happened later, I really suspect Barrett died of distemper. He went from fine to dead in a course of about 24hours. He declined so rapidly; lethary, loss of apetite and what I thought was diarrhea, but was actually the vomitting of some thick, orange liquid. I have no idea how he would have gotten distemper, though. He and Piglet were both about 2.5 months old, and other than Adeline who was quarantined the whole time, I hadn't brought any new cats in. Piglet never got sick, either...just Barrett.

I decided to get back on the horse, and fostered this gorgeous calico DMH named Deirdre, with 6 beautiful newborn kittens. I also knew Piglet was going back to the store after his quarantine period ended, and I brought home another 4 adorable DLH kittens.

I still think about that group sometimes, and I want to burst into tears. They were all so adorable and sweet, and I feel like what happened was my fault.

About two or three days later, the kittens started getting sick. Within 2 days, they were desperately ill. That morning I walked in and saw that Deirdre hadn't eaten her food, and I saw her vomiting the orange fluid. One of the kittens died in my arms the night before they went to the vet. The next morning, before I could get to my appointment, another one died.

Deirdre peed and vomited all of her kittens in the crate on the way to the vet. A third kitten was euthanized, and the vet elected to keep Deirdre and the 4th kitten under supervision there.

I wandered home with 6 very hungry kittens. I fed them every two hours for two days. The vet called the next day and told me that Deirdre and the 4th kitten, who I was in love with and had named Winston, were euthanized. Over the next 2days, the kittens all slowly started to get sick and died one after the other. &these were terrible deaths; they all followed the same course, progressing levels of weakness...I would walk into the room and see them all at X stage, and know "this one will die tomorrow, this one in an hour, this one by this evening".

In 3 days, I lost 11 cats. 3 gorgeous cats that had days before been energetic and seemingly healthy. &I can't help but feel like it's my fault. Maybe Barrett had died from distemper, and then I brought all these little angels into a nightmare. Maybe if not, had I changed my clothes, been more careful, I could have stopped the spread from the four kittnes to Deirdre and her babies at least.

Out of 30 cats I have fostered, I have lost 18. Honestly, I'm a little paranod people think I have Munchhausen by proxy, and I'm killing them on purpose.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Here we go again

See subject :P.

Mist was readopted by the same family :). I am left just really mad at the vet for telling them to google this horrible disease she *might* have had. Who does that? When was the last time you went to a doctor, and they're like "a cough? It's probably nothing, but google lung cancer"?. Ridiculous.

The other kittens are almost over their colds & eye infections. Thank god the eye infections are done with, because boy were they brutal. Like, terribly brutal. I kept worrying kittens were going to go blind based on the insane inflammation. It was crazy - basically the eyelids had swollen to 3x the size. There's a little goo left on Barrett and Piglet, but everything has returned to normal size. No more swollen shut business.

I wish I would see that Chico had been adopted :(.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Ugh

I am not going to write about Destiny. I'm really upset about it.

Anyway, Mist was returned.

It's a long story.

Basically, a few days after she was adopted, she developed some sort of bumps on her ear.
Her new family took her to the vet and gave her some surolan. Less than 2days later, the bumps hadn't disappeared, and they took her back. From what I know, they were told the bumps could be either a reaction to earmite treatment (she was given Revolution a few days before she was adopted), or some autoimmune condition. Heather suggested it might also be a reaction to flea bites, and when I had originally heard he symptoms, it sounded to me like maybe she'd just scratched her ear too vigorously.

Anyway, they wanted to return her. &they kind of laid a bit of guilt on me...she told me how her daughter was heartbroken and had been crying all day, and she wanted to talk to Fern (which, I can only guess means complain). They were told it would take a $400 biopsy to confirm, or they could wait two weeks. They chose to exchange her for another kitten.

So, I'm pretty pissed. Because guess fucking what. Less than 24h later, the scab on her ear is gone, and try as I might, I can't see any wound or feel any alleged bump. At least it took her about 30s to lie down and try to nurse from Chai. &omg, she is being such a little sweetheart.

But I am a little pissed that this woman who could apparently not wait 2 days to see Mist, also could not wait more than 36 hours for her ear to clear up, and could not wait 2 weeks to see if she'd be all right...nor could they wait one day to get a new kitten.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Heartache/The great kitten swap

So, I went to Montreal this weekend passed. I was checking my e-mail, and I saw one named "don't cry when you see the adopted cats list...". Heather had, apparently catnapped and adopted out Mist while I was away. I knew I was attached to her, but I really never expected it to hurt so much. :(

Anyway, before I'd left I'd spoken to Heather about the possibility of trading kittens. Chloe had never really come around, and I didn't think there was much more I could do for her - maybe a fresh perspective and effort could ease her out of her shell?

Heather agreed to take her, and now I find myself welcoming Baxter and Destiny into my home. What a little angel - seriously, reading her story the first time almost brought me to tears, and now I am nursing this little gem in my lap. Unfortunately, she seems to have a URI much like Juliette and Piglet have developed. At least feeding medication 3x vs 2x is not much more work :P

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Attack of the Killer Kittens (aka read if you like loading times)

Mist being silly.

The short of it:
Cloud was adopted.
Chico was moved to another foster home while I was away, Mr. Attention did not enjoy the store.
I have to submit Flip's bio tonight.
Ashes has a gooey eye.

The long of it:
First, cute photos!!


Mist!


Juliette & Ashes!

Post vacation...look how huge they are!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Teh Stress

I feel terrible doing this, but I am really freaking out looking for someone to watch my kitties while I go on vacation.

I absolutely, from the bottom of my heart, totally promised Julien that my insane fostering would not impact negatively on him in any which way whatsoever - and now the time is looming overhead where I am supposed to be in Montreal in a few days - and I don't know what I am supposed to do!

Julien, if you read this I AM COMING, DON'T WORRY OR SAY "I TOLD YOU SO"!

In other news, all the pig-Os (that is apparently what I have taken to calling the kittens) are doing well. Everybody is at the very least trying both wet and solid food, and Mist looks ridiculous when she nurses. Litter training is...I saw a kitten use it once. So, they must be kind of doing it some of the time.

I feel really bad, and I have really been trying to not play favourites...but it's hard sometimes. Mist looks up at you with her scraggly fur and her pathetic whine and you just have to hold her. Julien (yes, I named a kitten after my boyfriend) has this amazing Gizmo from Gremlins face, and he's so fuzzy, and he rolls around and purrs like a maniac when you rub his tummy or head. Piglet (formerly Crystal...but with a penis), goes into the cuuuuuuuuutest little ball and cleans his face when you snuggle with him. He's also the smallest kitten.

Julien (the person) nicknamed the other two kittens "The Explorers"; they hardly ever sit still, and they're always MIA hiding somewhere. I'm trying to spend more time with them, and not just give in to the cuddlier ones...but Julien (the kitten) seriously has a face that makes me go "AWWWWWWWWWW" every five seconds and makes me not want to put him down.

In the last week, they've all gotten a lot more independant. They all run and -kind of- jump, and they're quit happy to play with one another or harass Chai's tail.

Heather told me she'll put Chico & Cloud in the Pet Valu tomorrow - and as sweet as those two are, I cannot wait. Chico has developed a habit of trying to nurse on my ear at night - I don't know why or how - but I am regularly awoken in the middle of the night to loud sucking noises and an ear full of saliva. I will not miss that.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

You know what I'm excited about?

GARBAGE COLLECTION TODAY!

GARBAGE MOUNTAIN SHALL FINALLY BE NO MORE!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Mini Update

I just wanted to quickly update, because things move so quickly.

I said last week that, you really do see the reasons you put up with all the death and sadness when you have a little army of kittens following you down the hall.

Last week Mist was all about the climbing, and the kittens, at a week behind, are getting into just that. I find them always trying to reach new high places - although they haven't reached Mist's affinity for it quite yet. That girl, seriously would climb anything, just for the sake of climbing. I perpetually found her on and in baskets, in the bathtub twice (although I assume Chai moved her), on my makeup case, on my vacuum... When you go to the washroom, there have been a few times I have discovered several kittens as high as my waist (they like to climb pants!).

It's just so amazing how fast it all goes. This week Mist has learned to run and jump, and she is just freaking hilarious because she'll jump in the air for no real reason. "Oh, a penny on the floor? That deserves a jump!". Not to mention this makes it harder than it already was to rewrangle the kittens. Mist knows to "run for the door" when I am trying to get them all back in place, put her in her box and she'll just take off for the hallway.

The feral kitties are doing all right. I gave up on caging Flip, the brown tabby, as he kept getting out god knows how. He hides from me still, but if you catch him while eating and hold him for a moment, he'll settle down around you and purr for more rubbing. Of course, 10 minutes later this is apparently all forgotten. Chloe is hilarious. She still hisses at me every time I approach her crate, and then as soon as you reach in and touch her she is purring like a motor and rolling around on the floor looking for more. Samba, the orange kitty, still hates my guts. What can you do!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Case of the Mondays

So, I freaked out.

The kitten, who I named Chirp, was being fed 1mL + every hour, and try as I might I could not get her to take any more...which necessitated the hourly feedings.

At 3am, I decided I needed to go to sleep...so, of course, I called a taxi and took her back to the VEC. The doctor was really sweet, and waived some of the fees for me to keep costs down as he knew I wasn't going to be reimbursed...after having 4 kittens die three weeks ago, I was just kind of like "fuck it, I am not losing another one".

Anyway, I left her there for the night, and I just got the call that she passed. She was like my little sidekick all day today, always snuggled to my chest, purring when you handled her. My little calico baby :(.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Madness!

Ok, so let me try to get this all written down in the minor calm that exists right now.

Where to begin?!

So, maybe Thursday it was, I became *that* person - I lost a cat.

I have a sliding door in my room. There were a few small holes at the top of the screen, but in the three years I've lived here, nobody has ever gotten out. The cats *love* lying against the screen, and that's about it. I put two of the feral kitties and the two grey kitties in the room with me, and while the grey kittens were fine, periodically I would see the feral ones climbing the screen. To err on the side of caution, I closed the door when I was asleep, or not in the room.

Of course, one day I went to the bathroom and forgot to close it. I came back to see the brown Tabby kitten perched 8 feet up, balancing his body on the thin bit of mesh. This was my "oh shit" moment - I knew he was pretty much gone at this point, as his incredibly slow socialization process meant that if I got any closer he'd bolt from me. So, I stood back and watched, and seconds later he was on my roof, followed by my neighbour's roof...

&oh, of course, the joy in this process was two fold. For not only did I have to check the trap Heather loaned me for him every two hours, during this adventure I rediscovered two of Mist's original kittens. That had apparently been dug up. &Half eaten. &Left in maggot infested state for me to discover. That was not a great day.

On the first day, I caught someone else's cat. The weather, knowing my predicament, decided to let loose every time I reset the trap. Which washed away all the food, and made me travel at 11pm in the downpour to my neighbour's yard, to try and eek by a palette of building materials, to reclaim my trap so that if by any chance an animal had been caught, it wouldn't be waiting in the torrential blanket of rain until morning.

Long story short, day 2, 11pm, I found him in the cage and in the midst of four raccoons. I was so pissed off at that little kitten.

I wasn't sure if I was being nuts about Chai not nursing well. Some people told me that she'd be nursing them less often as the kittens aged, and so just because I didn't see it, didn't mean that it wasn't happening.

This is where I got a 24h flu, and was essentially unable to remove myself from my bed. I worried, and called my friend to come and supplement feed the kittens for me, and as the day wore on he still hadn't shown, so I decided I could find it in myself to give them at least something until he arrived.

I found the calico kitten fairly close to death. My mother, whom I hadn't spoken to in almost ten years, had my brother call me to see if there was anything that they could do for me, because apparently they had read on Facebook that I had the flu. I don't even know how to describe how I felt, so I was just like "You know what? You can take my kitten to the emergency veterinary clinic." &that's what happened. With how sick I was, there was just no way I could properly care for her at that point.

So, after 12h of monitoring and feedings, she is back home. Cloud & Chico (my half brother named them) are ready to be put on the site, except I don't have a moment to try and take decent pictures, or write a bio...and my house is an absolute nightmare. 36h of not changing cat litter pans - when you have 6 of them - does not equal a good time. Not to mention that the kittens can now evacuate on their own, and so there is a new tiny poo every time I walk into my bathroom. The calico kitten also came home from the vet covered in feces, so I need to give her a bath too! &oh lordy, then I have to go spend time with Chloe (one of the ferals).

Stress??!!?! :P

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Early morning rambling

Oh lord, so much has happened in the last few days. I haven't had a moment to sit down and write it all down yet.

On a shorter note, two things I hate:
1) Chai's nursing habits. One day she's all "I am nursing all the tiiiime" and the next, it's like she can't be bothered with her kittens.

2) How quickly kittens deteriorate. I found the calico kitten fairly lethargic yesterday, so I started supplement feeding her. She seems to have improved a good deal over the last 24h, and of course when I get up to feed her, I find Mist considerably lethargic. I prepared 2x the formula and away we went - until one of the grey kittens knocked the bowl over. I am just going to start feeding them all and try to get Mist weened asap. Oh joy ><.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Seriously, what is wrong with me ><

So, last night I got an e-mail from Heather asking me if I wanted to head out to the shelter with her again to pick up Coleman, another Persian.

I had nothing better to do, I rarely get out, and like a dog, I like going for rides! - so, I said sure, why not.

We get to the shelter...and I like looking at cats. I know it's sad for some people, but I'm like a goldfish with a 30 second memory; the "kitten" effect never diminishes with me. &I'm not even kidding. I probably have seen around 30 kittens today...and for *each and every* one "Omg, you're so cute! Look at you!!" - even with a packed house of my own, stopping at Heather's on the way back lead to much more "Oh let me hold you! You're so soft! I love you!".

So, back to the point, I had promised my boyfriend "99% I won't bring a cat home...unless there are like orphaned newborns who are going to be put down, and even then, I think I can say no".
Of course we walk by a cage, and guess what. Five two and a half week old gorgeous kittens.

As we kept walking I made Heather stop and asked, "they're going to be okay right? They're big enough to wait in the shelter?". She looked at them and said no. Five minutes later I was bugging her again, "Are you sure? Why???". We asked the vet tech who had gotten Coleman out of his cage, and she confirmed what Heather already knew. Then Heather asked, "should I take them?" and both of them laughed when they heard how quickly I said "YES".

So, working out logistics, Heather revealed that she had already been considering taking the pregnant Kiki home with her - and 5 kittens meant no Kiki. So of course, like a teenager, I say that I can do it if another foster home can take two or three of my kittens. Heather tells me she can put them in the Pet Valu store in a few days, &the deal is done.

&I have never felt so terrible fostering kittens, I know I haven't fostered a lot, but I have just been racked with guilt all the way home. I remember her saying "Once you pass that door, you can't give them back" and I replied "then let's get through there asap".

My boyfriend is going to kill me, and I know that it's "too many" cats. I know how other people see me, I have gotten a lot of phone calls and shocked faces when I tell people how many cats I have in my house. &it makes me feel bad - I feel embarrassed, and immature...and I don't know how to put it. Going into the situation I was conscious of the fact that I would probably not be too happy with myself later in the day - especially after really thinking yesterday that I can never foster this many cats again...because it just is really too much for me.

That being said, in that moment, and even still, I couldn't live with myself knowing that I let my feelings kill 5 little kittens. Five little gorgeous kittens. Chai has taken them all in, and she looks like a milk bag with 6 holes in her.

I pretty much think I can never go to the shelter again!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

50 cent

When I started this blog, I decided to allow ads in the hopes it might (laugh) someday be enough for a TCR donation. As of today I had made 50 cents. I am very impressed by this! I expected 0 cents, so!

The fosters are doing well. I want to nickname one of the grey tabbies Screamy - Mist stopped crying today. He screams *a lot*. He cries when I'm not in the room. He cries when I *am* in the room, and not touching him *just so*.

Btw, Mist not crying may sound like a good thing, but it means I hardly ever see Chai. Mist isn't screaming because she has been permanently affixed to a nipple!

Those two are total angels. &today the little brown tabby jumped next to me on his way to the window. Then the female grey tabby shocked me by emerging from the closet with me in the room, for the first time!, and finding a stealthy path to the window ledge as well.

The bulk of my efforts have not been spent trying to interact with the feral kittens. In fact, for the most part, I try to totally ignore them. When they do emerge, I don't look at them. I go about my business changing the litter box, sweeping the floor, and playing with the grey tabbies. So, they've definitely been within about a foot of me at this point...I just don't try to touch them (yet). Instead of acclimating them to affection, I've been trying to acclimate them, and make them immune, to my presence. When I could be reaching out to them, I stand up instead. I try to get them used to normal human interactions first. &then I sang like the whole time I was in the room.

I was singing this to the kittens earlier. As I told Heather on the weekend, for anyone who doesn't know, originally I was an East Asian Studies major. That song always makes me want to cry.
If you're interested, I think if you search for the English lyrics on yahoo, you'll find a post from me years ago...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Oops I did it again



So, this is what I woke up to this morning. Not to mention finding Mist on a shelf in my closet after that.

So, I went to the shelter with Heather on Sunday morning (9am drives = bleeeh). She rescued Shaggy, and to say that I was a bit overwhelmed was an understatement. It wasn't really how I'd expected: I pictured wall to wall, floor to ceiling, crates with sad looking kitties...but for the most part everyone looked very clean and happy. There also weren't as many cats as I'd expected; each room is maybe 10 cages long, with cages on both sides. They aren't stacked atop one another, and they fill 3 rooms + a hallway. 1 room was filled with cats still waiting for their owners, and afterwards Heather told me that she hadn't taken me to see the ones with marked cages.

There were *a lot* of kittens. A lot of newborns and nursing moms, and afterwards Heather told me that she had deftly steered me away from there, as she saw the way I kept walking back and looking at them. The litter of 9 6week old kittens were so precious, but they told us they wouldn't break them up unless we could find homes for the rest...eventually Heather offered to choose for me, because there was no way that I could have. If it was left to me, I probably would have walked out of there in tears with 10 cats...of course taking newborns, and sick kittens, and crying about the ones I wasn't taking...and she eventually picked out some kittens that she thought could be adopted into new homes quickly. I remember picking out the first two, the vet tech asked me how many I wanted. I said "3...maybe four". 30 minutes later I had five.

3 of them were little feral kitties, and progress has been slow, although progress has been made. I've slept and taken naps in the room with them, and now little balls of fur will whir by me on their way to the window ledge. The other two are little grey tabbies, and while they were skittish and terrified at first (I have the scratches and the bite marks to prove it!), they are little angels now...I always find them sleeping beside me, or else one of them screams for attention. I had my step-mother and her son over today, and they were extremely social; they love chasing the mouse toy and going into your lap for affection.

I need to take pictures of them, and I'll try to tonight. Hopefully in the next few days I'll actually be able to get within 3 feet of the feral ones. Their distaste for the litter box however...not fun times.

Friday, July 10, 2009

mo' mobility, mo' problems

Yes, I totally wrote that.

The last 48hrs have been filled with milestones.

Mist started walking. Incoming nightmare. I have found her outside her crate 3x in the last 24hours. Not to mention the fact that I had to respond to an "incident" earlier wherein Mist had wedged herself inbetween the cage wall and Chai's water bottle. She can't back up yet (then again, how many times have I seen any cat walk backwards), so there was much freaking out on her part.

The other things Mist is now doing(!): she started grooming herself today. Cute town!
&the other, was she started purring from being pet today. At one point snuggling up to me sleeping, she started purring as well.

She has just been so cute today, I love it <3.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

meep

So, my little baby Emmet is gone...along with super soft kitty Bart.

It hasn't really sunk in yet that I won't be finding onion skins all over my house (Emmet has developed an obsession with playing with them!), nor having my toes attacked while I sleep...nor have a tiny snuggly kitten curled up next to my head while I'm dreaming.

Their new family seems super nice, and offered to send my pictures of them in their new home. &hurray they got adopted together, I think Emmet would die without Bart :P.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Grrr

I have been sick all day. This makes me not want to write, which sucks, when I wanted to write about things.

I have named the last kitten Mist, and I loooooove her. She has the *sweetest* face when she looks up at you with her little milk moustache. The Clavamox seems to be helping, she's much less sneezy & wheezy over the last 24h.

Chai has started nursing again, thank god. Hopefully this means I don't have to wake up 3 times during the night anymore. Not that I minded so much - Mist wiggles her little ears back and forth as she vacuums up milk from the syringe, and then takes a break to breath before screaming for more. It's well worth all the drama just to get to watch her like this! I took a nap with Mist earlier after she fed because Chai wanted to have some time to herself and stretch out on the floor.

She is such a little sweetheart. I actually find myself hoping she'll be a DMH like her mom...too cute!


(Someone kept walking while I tried to take the picture)

Monday, July 6, 2009

Calling it

I wrote this to this, or if you've seen The Departed/Infernal Affairs(1&3?) this.


I feel relatively comfortable saying that Stubby drew his last breath a few minutes ago. They're still huddled together in my sheet, I don't really have the heart at the moment to tear them apart.

I wish I knew what to say. Irrelevant as it may be, and as much as my boyfriend may disagree, I've realized I'm a stronger person in the last week. I'd never seen death before, and in an hour, I'll have four kittens buried in my yard.

We watched Public Enemies the other day, and the parts that really stuck were the parts that mentioned watching someone die. I can at least imagine what that's like now.

Before Wiggles, I never thought I'd make it through this without dying inside to some degree. As time passed, my anxiety rose, and I doubted I'd make it through this again...but somehow I have; somehow I have come to peace with all of this. I remember when someone brought a cat that had died in to the vet clinic I used to work at; I called my then-boyfriend to come and put it in the freezer for me. I have always been terrified of death.

I guess that's not necessarily truthful. I have watched animals be euthanized; but it's just different. The pug I saw die the first time, because his owner was moving, brought me to tears in the back. Subsequent animals failed to affect me immediately - I guess because a loving owner was always there and the corpse was still warm...it didn't feel dead to me...just like I was moving any animal.

I've mentioned to others that I don't want to foster newborns anymore....for a while at least. &idk, every time I say that I slap myself mentally and think "what a selfish thought"...I've got to get back on that horse, and I have to realize that without me these kittens might not have any other chance. So, boohoo it hurts...but are you kidding? You value your pain > saving a little life?

I don't know, this week sucks. Everything sucks. I just hope McScreamy can get through it all. I just hope this wasn't a fucking waste.

I love how half the stuff I write about is super creepy. Like the fact that right now, I just want to cuddle Stubby. How sick is it to want to cradle a cat in your arms until rigor mortis sets in.

Sometimes I wish I still had a "regular blog" - I keep wanting to write about non kitten related things.

quitter?

After some drama, I caved and took the kittens to the vet today. Their nicknames are McScreamy and Stubby (guess which ones is in better shape :P), and McScreamy managed to poo all over my white shirt at the vet.

I left with antibiotics and eye drops, and at the moment have two kittens curled up in my lap. I asked about separating them from Chai, as I haven't seen her nurse or be with them in 2 days, and the vet said in a scoffing tone "well, if you were home with them all day...", &huzzah, I have no life, so I can try to warm them up as they were both somewhat cold.

McScreamy eats like a fiend and is nuts. Stubby has a short tail that the vet guesses was amputated sometime after birth and is not doing so well. It's been a gradual decline into the world of not-crying-because-my-lungs-are-full-of-crap.

The most amazing/hilarious thing for me, of the last few days, was Chai doing her normal "Ha! I got out! Now I shall scare everyone away!" and going nose to nose with Emmet who just hissed back at her and refused to get up. He so thinks he owns all other cats :)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

When it rains, it pours

After Wiggles's death, Tuxedo kitten started to look like he was going south. Heather very sweetly obliged me, and came to see them...and she gave Tuxedo a 30% to survive due to the congestion in his lungs. The other orange kitty wasn't looking too hot either, but he was still nursing and pretty mobile.

6 hours and 2 feedings later, I found both of them dead at 3:45am on July 4th.

It didn't hurt as much this time; maybe it was the fact I was half awake, maybe because I was so emotionally drained, maybe because it was so sudden and such a surprise. We buried them in the garden (of course my boyfriend I haven't seen in a month has to be here for all this), and now we're really smothering the last two kittens with fears and attention. Heather said the odds the whole little will pass are fairly high - so every few minutes we're in and out, supplementing nursing (...if they are, we haven't seen Chai nurse since yesterday morning).

On another note, Eve called me back the other day and told me that she'll come to take Bart & Emmet on Thursday or Friday. Meh. I know I should be happy and super excited - I mean, they're getting adopted together!! - but I am just so apathetic to anything kitten related right now. I am sure afterwords the crying will begin, and I'll be un-numbed...I am going to miss my little baby Emmet :(.

But for right now, I think the last 3 days have really punched me in the stomach, and only time will allow me to start feeling normal again.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

...

I don't know really how to preface this without being ridiculous and pretentious, so Wiggles died.

I'm sure in some way that this was my fault. He wasn't "well" when I fed him this morning, but afterwards he was noticeably limper.

He stopped crying sometime last night. He would try, but the sound was weak and never right. Last night Chai started to kick him out of the box. I found him about a meter away and next to the humidifier...he had felt very cold the last few days and I always tried to sandwich him inbetween his littermates. I put them all back in the dog crate, and when I went in this morning, he was at the front next to the water bowl.

I put him in with his siblings, after feeding him, and came back ten minutes later to make sure Chai hadn't moved him. When I came back, he was away from his siblings in the corner of the box, so I went to move him. I picked him up and thought he wasn't breathing, until after about 10seconds he took a deep sudden breath.

So, I knew then that this was pretty much done. I picked him up and put him in the front of my shirt between my breasts, because to me it seemed to be the warmest spot. I just held him there for thirty minutes, scratching his tiny head, and listening to the air leaving his body.

I couldn't look at his face, even when I was fairly certain he'd already gone. I just kept holding him and petting him, and when I did finally pull him away to check his little face, his body was rigid...forever fixed into a little ball with his mouth open.

I guess I'm trying to tell myself that in some way this wasn't my fault...but I'm pretty sure I must've gotten some formula into his lungs; something like that to cause such a rapid decline.

I really feel like a failure. I feel like what a terrible thing I've done, and I feel like I've let everyone down. I remember holding him yesterday, and telling him that I was going to get him through this - he would be ok. He just needed to get his energy back, and that was going to happen with being syringe fed.

I buried him in my garden, and that's when I finally started crying and tears started pouring down my face.

I feel like most of all I let Wiggles down. He was in my care, and my responsibility, and I killed him. I feel like a fucking jerk.

I am going to listen to Baek Ji Young ballads.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I see you

I love volunteering with TCR. Looking at the page and seeing 6 kitties have been adopted (3 of them adults!), makes me feel reeeeally good...and I didn't even do anything!

I woke up today to a few sweet little eyes looking up at me. The big orange kitty, and one of the black ones, now have opened their eyes. I'm assuming the rest will follow suit any time now.

My family + a seven year old came over to look at the kittens today. Apparently week old kittens are interesting for about as long as you can say "aw" before they wanted to go see Emmet and then buy icecream. They were forewarned...the kittens are not terribly interesting while they just lay around and squirm!

Wiggles is the same, no better no worse. The other kittens have been progressively sneezing more and more, and I'm just hoping they don't get as sick as little Wiggles. He's still breathing through his mouth, but the worst of his congestion seems passed, and I'm hoping he'll start breathing through his nose & consequently nursing again soon.

Emmet has a few nicknames : Kitten jr, Piglet, Pigtron 4000. I think the best way to illustrate this is with an event from yesterday. He ran up and down the stairs following me, sliding all over the floor, running into cats...all because he thought "omg maybe you'll give me wet food! WET FOOOOD!". I gave in because I spoil him and he's too cute not to, and then I went to feed Wiggles. Chai's newest habit is waiting by the door so she can run out when I walk in, and chase my other cats away. So she runs out, my cats scream and run at 10,000 miles an hour, and Emmet doesn't even bat an eyelash. He is far too interested in his little food bowl!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Mini update / Thank god for Heather

On my way to my midterm, I was reading the Metro, and I almost burst into tears twice. First, over Abousfian Abdelrazik, and second over Tommy the dog. I'm not very good at displaying my emotions in public, but after the last 20 hours, I was just in super-hyper-emotional-overdrive.

Heather came over, and reassured me about Wiggles, and told me that "he is not on death's door". Hearing that from someone who knows something about the subject...just took a huge weight off my chest. I still feel emotionally exhausted, and just looking at Wiggles's poor little face looking all messed up still makes me want to just lose it.

Heather noted something too, something I'd only semi-consciously realized. I hate to admit it, but when I first got Chai, a part of me was like "yow, this is not a good looking cat". Her face was really angular...she was just not amazing to look at. I'd commented to myself earlier in the day that she was looking really good today, and didn't think much of it...but Heather pointed out that it's true, her entire facial structure has changed...she has a regular super sweet cat face now.

It's one of those things you don't notice when you're exposed to it every day. I described the original Chai as "a twig stuck through an orange" - the girl was super skinny, with a huge round belly. But she eats voraciously now, and I guess she's put on a fair bit of weight. We'll never know where Chai was 3 weeks ago and what her life was like, but I am guessing she's a lot better off now.

My friend came over today too to fix my air conditioner (thank god!) and was like "Emmet and Bart have gotten big!". I still think Emmet is my super tiny baby, and hasn't grown at all...but apparently over the last month he's almost doubled in size. I can't imagine him being that tiny!

Heather also gave me the number of a woman who wants to meet both Bart & Emmet on Friday...&I soooo have my fingers crossed. If they could be adopted together it would be absolutely amazing. So much finger crossing...this can't be good!

(Wiggles is the tiny one on top)


Sneezy

Sneezy isn't a name but a nickname. It's what I've been calling the little orange tabby kitten that caught Chai's URI.

I did something really stupid yesterday, I didn't weigh the kittens at the time I normally do because when I went into the room they were all balled up and sleepy. So, instead at 12am I went in to check on them before I went to bed, and while they were still being sleepy, I decided to check on Sneezy as he'd put on a tiny amount of weight the day before.

To my horror, when I picked him up, I could see there was crap all over his face. His eyes and nose had begun to ooze a clear discharge that had blocked off his nasal passageway. This is the part where I ran around crying hysterically for 4 hours trying to figure out what to do. I cried because I didn't have any formula, I cried because I hadn't checked on him sooner, I cried because this tiny kitten was so sick and it was in my mind all my fault. I left a message on Heather's answering machine at 2am that was just me crying. I went to bed at 4 am, and tossed and turned and repeatedly got up to see if Sneezy was still alive. I pushed Chai on her side and desperately yelled at her "Please feed Sneezy!!", but even when she offered her nipple, he wasn't interested.

At 8:45 I woke up, and ran into the room, so ecstatic that Sneezy had survived the night. Every time I woke up, I found Emmet curled beside my head, and that made me feel a bit better. Now at 2pm, I find myself diligently trying to syringe formula into this little kitten's mouth - and as lethargic as he is the rest of the time, he sure does struggle against me!

So, prognosis not good. But I'm trying, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.


So, update. I have decided to name Sneezy Wiggles, as wiggling is what he likes to do while I either feed him, or try to clean his little face. I was just thinking about that scene in Tess of the D'Urbervilles, and that he shouldn't die without a name.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Still melting

I forgot to mention yesterday, that Chai's URI seems to be fading. She's had some blood around her nostrils, but the sneezing is less and the discharge is gone from her eyes.

I made the mistake of leaving her to roam the room last night while I took a shower. I came back in the room and heard feverish yells coming from the closet. I then watched her pick up a little black kitty with her teeth and carry him over there too. As if she hasn't made me worry enough as it is! The kittens today put on uberweight, 15-20g on average.

Right now I am watching Bart groom Emmet. Pretty cuuute! :P

Note to self, take some kitten pictures today!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I'm melting!

Oh lord, the heat here is crazy. I honestly spent like 2 hours lying on my hardwood floor in my pyjamas. I have no idea why the AC isn't working...I can see it outside spinning, I can hear it in the vents...but no cold air comes out! Luckily there's a window air conditioner in the kittens' room - I probably adjust that 10 times a day "Maybe it's too hot in here//Maybe it's too cold now".

I need to take a photo of Chai post Furmination. I've used it on 2 of my cats so far, and the brush is full in about 5seconds - &I mean, I brush my cats fairly often with my faithful Zoom Groom. I am definitely a convert & loving it...I don't know how it compares to a traditional wire brush though, because I tend not to use those.

Kittens are very messy. I changed the sheets in their box last night and this morning the once white towels were just...not white anymore. They are freaking hilarious to watch. They all get together in a little ball, and then a kitten on the bottom will wake up and try to climb to the top of the pile; invariably flipping over and flailing his limbs every which way. Then, this cycle repeats itself. I seriously just sat and watched them wiggle around for 30 minutes earlier. The less stripey orange one has really taken off growth wise...he is getting to be noticeably bigger than his siblings. They've all put on 5-10g today, with Tuxedo cat gaining the least.

Chai has kept spotting every day, which Heather says not to worry about as long as it stays as mild spotting and never becomes a full on bleed. Poor Heather...seriously, I feel so bad for bugging her so often, and she has been so incredibly nice. I really need to just take a deep breath and accept that things are usually likely normal as opposed to abnormal.

I'm still kind of trying not to name the kittens or get *too* emotionally attached to them. In case...y'know. But for today the little family looks good and all is well.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Random musings!

Kitten stuff first!

Heather ended up coming over last night, due to my constant pestering. She brought a dog crate with her to put Chai and her kittens in. I haven't had a pregnant cat in, oh, 14 years. So everything = freakout. Every time I go into the room, she's at the front of the crate meowing to be set free - she wants attention from me. I let her out for 20 minutes as per Heather's instructions, and ofc, she doesn't want to go back in with her kittens, even as they meow for her.

Then, at two am, she had some vaginal bleeding. Freakout number 1000 for the day. It took all my restraint not to make frantic phonecalls.

Heather also told me to google Fading Kitten Syndrome - and now every time I go in the room, I'm just glad to see all 5 kittens piled together and alive - as sad as that is.

So, random musing #1.

As terribly and incredibly lame as it sounds, I am loving this whole "community" I've been exposed to. Heather stayed for about two hours yesterday and we just talked about cats. &I definitely know that feeling, trying to tell some random person "oh man, my cat did this awesome thing" and the expression on their face goes blank. I'm so happy I can have an excuse to write about cats, and believe (whether or not it's actually true!) that someone is reading it. I love reading other people's blogs and knowing they're as crazy as I am. &I just love being able to actually have a conversation with, and meet!, other people who get where I am coming from. I have 11 cats in my house at the moment - and someone has MORE cats than me!

#2

I still cannot help but laugh when someone "thanks" me for fostering, or tells me that I'm doing a good thing. Are you kidding me? I get to play with kittens...I should be thanking TCR! My idea of a charitable or selfless act definitely includes some sort of personal inconvenience. Giving blood today, that could be construed as charitable as I had to overcome my fears and bear through the discomfort...but this? Seriously, cuddling kittens as some sort of self sacrifice? Before I sat down to write this, I was cuddling Emmet (who is getting more and more "calm" by the day, in that he now loves to just sit in my lap & be petted) who proceeded to sneeze all over my face. My instantaneous reaction to this was to burst out laughing. I don't know what it is, I just love them so much...and it's such an amazing gift to be able to have them here.

#3

Heather held Emmet and remarked that he was really well socialized. &inside, it just made my heart light up. I have seriously tried *so* hard to make these kittens as happy, healthy, and adoptable as possible. I am a *very* shy person. I have probably had more people in my house in the last month than I had in the entire previous year. I want Bart & Emmet to not be "shy" like my other cats for the mostpart are - I want them to be outgoing and willing to play with anyone. I was just so happy to hear someone say that it was working :).

By the way, my stairs look like the bloodied battlefield after the great "Kitten War". It is *SO* freaking hot here - as you walk down the hall you just pass cats laying on the floor, on their sides, on their backs. It's so cute...but it reminds me I do need to turn on the AC.

Oh, and I also bought a Furminator today as they had them at my #4 store in search of kitten food. I've just heard glowing reviews of it from other cat owners...I will let you know how it works!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The kittens have landed

I could not sleep last night. First, I lay down with Chai for a few hours, but then at four I still wasn't asleep, so I decided I needed my own bed. What a bad judgment call!

I was looking at a blog last night, and her pregnant cat had the same degree of movement with 10 days to go...so I figured it wasn't a sign, Chai was fine, the kittens won't be here tomorrow.

I went to check on her this morning, and was horrified to find droplets of blood lining the floor. Frantically I searched the FOUR boxes I had made for her to have her kittens in (I figured she would appreciate the choice), only to find her in a box of my things with her fur completely disheveled and some tiny faces squirming around her.

I am not entirely sure if she's "done", but I am going to bite my tongue and assume that she is. Poor Heather received frantic calls from me, "she is more interested in me than nursing!!" et cetera. Twenty minutes later, yes, she's in her box nursing four of the five kittens. The fifth one can not catch a break and find a nipple, despite my shoving one in his face repeatedly.

I had the humidifier in her room last night, and it definitely cleared up my own congestion, so hopefully it will help hers too. At the moment, Chai looks absolutely radiant...I'm so glad she could have her kittens in a big room vs a tiny metal cage. She looks very happy as a mom :).

So, onto the colors! :P
There are two black kittens, a tuxedo kitten, and two orange kittens. Gotta love calico cats :P


In other news, I saw that there is another pregnant kitty at the shelter. I don't know why, but I always feel for and worry about the pregnant ones. I am crossing my fingers someone else out there will be able to give "Pixie" and her kittens a new chance at life!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Getting closer



I don't know what it is, some latent maternal instinct I suppose, but I quite often find myself giving into my newest indulgence - petting Chai while I rest one hand lightly on her belly and beam with delight as I feel the kittens wiggling around inside her. To be honest, I don't know how she does it...her belly is huge &boy do those kittens move a lot. &not little movements! Huge traversals from one side of her abdomen to the other. I feel guilty every time I do it, but it's so amazing to me. I can't believe there are really little kittens in there.

Someone was supposed to come see Bart today, but alas, it's an hour and a half after we were supposed to meet and they're not answering their phone, nor are they here. It's bittersweet, I guess. I was mopping the floor when Bart & Emmet decided they wanted to run across it, then jump into the litter box. Bart ended up hiding from me for an hour as he evidently did not like my efforts to clean his paws.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Anatomy of a name

So, after sitting on the floor asking many times "do you want to be called X?", I finally made a decision.

First there were names offhand - June didn't work for her face - and then names inspired by books (namely "The Setting Sun" & "Pygmalion"). When she stood against the window last night, I couldn't help but remark what a huge cat she is. She has this incredibly long and high frame, with a little head and huge eyes fixed atop her lengthy neck. I started thinking that if she was a human, she would have been a Russian ballerina. I don't know the names of any Ballerinas & the Russian women's names I do know all come from the 19th & early 20th century in Tolstoy & Dovstoyevsky's books. Some of them are like, 14 letters long, and while I found them amazing - Julien told me in January that no, if we had a child, it would not bear one of those names.

So, Russian ballet. That made me think of Swan Lake/Lac des Cygnes...but Lac is probably not a well thought of female cat name, nor is Cygne. Then of course, hello...Tchaikovsky. Or Tchai, or! I keep hearing people talk about "Chai" and "Chai Lattes"...so there we go!

Chai came home last night, and I hadn't slept in about 30hours, so I felt terrible for Heather who was introduced to me in that loopy state. We took her upstairs&off to the closet she ran, as apparently it doesn't shut all the way, and can thus be opened by the strength of a scared, pregnant cat.

At about eleven o'clock, when I was ready for bed, I went to wish her a goodnight and she finally emerged. She desperately wanted affection, and I remarked to myself how incredibly skinny she is save for her swollen belly...the girl is huge and yet feels as if she's just walking bones. I decided instead to grab a pillow and blanket and sleep in the guestroom, and ultimately she alternated between yowling at the window ledge, and then curling up next to me in bed.

I went in again this morning (the yowling made me leave at 4am!), and I gave her skeletal frame a good brush and gobs of hair just flew off. I guess obviously they aren't really given any affection in the shelter, but I don't know when the last time this girl was properly cared for was. She was obviously somebody's cat...

I haven't taken any pictures of her yet, because honestly, she does not look so hot. The fur around her face is all oily and flush against her skin, and as it goes down to her belly it's all stringy and unattractive.

I did, however, take super cute Bart & Emmet photos that I plan to upload later...

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Incoming!

This is the original shelter photo of "Kringles" that I fell in love with.

I spent the afternoon at the pet store, and I've spent the remainder of this evening vacuuming away; trying to get everything ready and in place for tomorrow.

I can't wait to watch her stretch her legs in her new home. :)