So, I freaked out.
The kitten, who I named Chirp, was being fed 1mL + every hour, and try as I might I could not get her to take any more...which necessitated the hourly feedings.
At 3am, I decided I needed to go to sleep...so, of course, I called a taxi and took her back to the VEC. The doctor was really sweet, and waived some of the fees for me to keep costs down as he knew I wasn't going to be reimbursed...after having 4 kittens die three weeks ago, I was just kind of like "fuck it, I am not losing another one".
Anyway, I left her there for the night, and I just got the call that she passed. She was like my little sidekick all day today, always snuggled to my chest, purring when you handled her. My little calico baby :(.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Madness!
Ok, so let me try to get this all written down in the minor calm that exists right now.
Where to begin?!
So, maybe Thursday it was, I became *that* person - I lost a cat.
I have a sliding door in my room. There were a few small holes at the top of the screen, but in the three years I've lived here, nobody has ever gotten out. The cats *love* lying against the screen, and that's about it. I put two of the feral kitties and the two grey kitties in the room with me, and while the grey kittens were fine, periodically I would see the feral ones climbing the screen. To err on the side of caution, I closed the door when I was asleep, or not in the room.
Of course, one day I went to the bathroom and forgot to close it. I came back to see the brown Tabby kitten perched 8 feet up, balancing his body on the thin bit of mesh. This was my "oh shit" moment - I knew he was pretty much gone at this point, as his incredibly slow socialization process meant that if I got any closer he'd bolt from me. So, I stood back and watched, and seconds later he was on my roof, followed by my neighbour's roof...
&oh, of course, the joy in this process was two fold. For not only did I have to check the trap Heather loaned me for him every two hours, during this adventure I rediscovered two of Mist's original kittens. That had apparently been dug up. &Half eaten. &Left in maggot infested state for me to discover. That was not a great day.
On the first day, I caught someone else's cat. The weather, knowing my predicament, decided to let loose every time I reset the trap. Which washed away all the food, and made me travel at 11pm in the downpour to my neighbour's yard, to try and eek by a palette of building materials, to reclaim my trap so that if by any chance an animal had been caught, it wouldn't be waiting in the torrential blanket of rain until morning.
Long story short, day 2, 11pm, I found him in the cage and in the midst of four raccoons. I was so pissed off at that little kitten.
I wasn't sure if I was being nuts about Chai not nursing well. Some people told me that she'd be nursing them less often as the kittens aged, and so just because I didn't see it, didn't mean that it wasn't happening.
This is where I got a 24h flu, and was essentially unable to remove myself from my bed. I worried, and called my friend to come and supplement feed the kittens for me, and as the day wore on he still hadn't shown, so I decided I could find it in myself to give them at least something until he arrived.
I found the calico kitten fairly close to death. My mother, whom I hadn't spoken to in almost ten years, had my brother call me to see if there was anything that they could do for me, because apparently they had read on Facebook that I had the flu. I don't even know how to describe how I felt, so I was just like "You know what? You can take my kitten to the emergency veterinary clinic." &that's what happened. With how sick I was, there was just no way I could properly care for her at that point.
So, after 12h of monitoring and feedings, she is back home. Cloud & Chico (my half brother named them) are ready to be put on the site, except I don't have a moment to try and take decent pictures, or write a bio...and my house is an absolute nightmare. 36h of not changing cat litter pans - when you have 6 of them - does not equal a good time. Not to mention that the kittens can now evacuate on their own, and so there is a new tiny poo every time I walk into my bathroom. The calico kitten also came home from the vet covered in feces, so I need to give her a bath too! &oh lordy, then I have to go spend time with Chloe (one of the ferals).
Stress??!!?! :P
Where to begin?!
So, maybe Thursday it was, I became *that* person - I lost a cat.
I have a sliding door in my room. There were a few small holes at the top of the screen, but in the three years I've lived here, nobody has ever gotten out. The cats *love* lying against the screen, and that's about it. I put two of the feral kitties and the two grey kitties in the room with me, and while the grey kittens were fine, periodically I would see the feral ones climbing the screen. To err on the side of caution, I closed the door when I was asleep, or not in the room.
Of course, one day I went to the bathroom and forgot to close it. I came back to see the brown Tabby kitten perched 8 feet up, balancing his body on the thin bit of mesh. This was my "oh shit" moment - I knew he was pretty much gone at this point, as his incredibly slow socialization process meant that if I got any closer he'd bolt from me. So, I stood back and watched, and seconds later he was on my roof, followed by my neighbour's roof...
&oh, of course, the joy in this process was two fold. For not only did I have to check the trap Heather loaned me for him every two hours, during this adventure I rediscovered two of Mist's original kittens. That had apparently been dug up. &Half eaten. &Left in maggot infested state for me to discover. That was not a great day.
On the first day, I caught someone else's cat. The weather, knowing my predicament, decided to let loose every time I reset the trap. Which washed away all the food, and made me travel at 11pm in the downpour to my neighbour's yard, to try and eek by a palette of building materials, to reclaim my trap so that if by any chance an animal had been caught, it wouldn't be waiting in the torrential blanket of rain until morning.
Long story short, day 2, 11pm, I found him in the cage and in the midst of four raccoons. I was so pissed off at that little kitten.
I wasn't sure if I was being nuts about Chai not nursing well. Some people told me that she'd be nursing them less often as the kittens aged, and so just because I didn't see it, didn't mean that it wasn't happening.
This is where I got a 24h flu, and was essentially unable to remove myself from my bed. I worried, and called my friend to come and supplement feed the kittens for me, and as the day wore on he still hadn't shown, so I decided I could find it in myself to give them at least something until he arrived.
I found the calico kitten fairly close to death. My mother, whom I hadn't spoken to in almost ten years, had my brother call me to see if there was anything that they could do for me, because apparently they had read on Facebook that I had the flu. I don't even know how to describe how I felt, so I was just like "You know what? You can take my kitten to the emergency veterinary clinic." &that's what happened. With how sick I was, there was just no way I could properly care for her at that point.
So, after 12h of monitoring and feedings, she is back home. Cloud & Chico (my half brother named them) are ready to be put on the site, except I don't have a moment to try and take decent pictures, or write a bio...and my house is an absolute nightmare. 36h of not changing cat litter pans - when you have 6 of them - does not equal a good time. Not to mention that the kittens can now evacuate on their own, and so there is a new tiny poo every time I walk into my bathroom. The calico kitten also came home from the vet covered in feces, so I need to give her a bath too! &oh lordy, then I have to go spend time with Chloe (one of the ferals).
Stress??!!?! :P
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Early morning rambling
Oh lord, so much has happened in the last few days. I haven't had a moment to sit down and write it all down yet.
On a shorter note, two things I hate:
1) Chai's nursing habits. One day she's all "I am nursing all the tiiiime" and the next, it's like she can't be bothered with her kittens.
2) How quickly kittens deteriorate. I found the calico kitten fairly lethargic yesterday, so I started supplement feeding her. She seems to have improved a good deal over the last 24h, and of course when I get up to feed her, I find Mist considerably lethargic. I prepared 2x the formula and away we went - until one of the grey kittens knocked the bowl over. I am just going to start feeding them all and try to get Mist weened asap. Oh joy ><.
On a shorter note, two things I hate:
1) Chai's nursing habits. One day she's all "I am nursing all the tiiiime" and the next, it's like she can't be bothered with her kittens.
2) How quickly kittens deteriorate. I found the calico kitten fairly lethargic yesterday, so I started supplement feeding her. She seems to have improved a good deal over the last 24h, and of course when I get up to feed her, I find Mist considerably lethargic. I prepared 2x the formula and away we went - until one of the grey kittens knocked the bowl over. I am just going to start feeding them all and try to get Mist weened asap. Oh joy ><.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Seriously, what is wrong with me ><
So, last night I got an e-mail from Heather asking me if I wanted to head out to the shelter with her again to pick up Coleman, another Persian.
I had nothing better to do, I rarely get out, and like a dog, I like going for rides! - so, I said sure, why not.
We get to the shelter...and I like looking at cats. I know it's sad for some people, but I'm like a goldfish with a 30 second memory; the "kitten" effect never diminishes with me. &I'm not even kidding. I probably have seen around 30 kittens today...and for *each and every* one "Omg, you're so cute! Look at you!!" - even with a packed house of my own, stopping at Heather's on the way back lead to much more "Oh let me hold you! You're so soft! I love you!".
So, back to the point, I had promised my boyfriend "99% I won't bring a cat home...unless there are like orphaned newborns who are going to be put down, and even then, I think I can say no".
Of course we walk by a cage, and guess what. Five two and a half week old gorgeous kittens.
As we kept walking I made Heather stop and asked, "they're going to be okay right? They're big enough to wait in the shelter?". She looked at them and said no. Five minutes later I was bugging her again, "Are you sure? Why???". We asked the vet tech who had gotten Coleman out of his cage, and she confirmed what Heather already knew. Then Heather asked, "should I take them?" and both of them laughed when they heard how quickly I said "YES".
So, working out logistics, Heather revealed that she had already been considering taking the pregnant Kiki home with her - and 5 kittens meant no Kiki. So of course, like a teenager, I say that I can do it if another foster home can take two or three of my kittens. Heather tells me she can put them in the Pet Valu store in a few days, &the deal is done.
&I have never felt so terrible fostering kittens, I know I haven't fostered a lot, but I have just been racked with guilt all the way home. I remember her saying "Once you pass that door, you can't give them back" and I replied "then let's get through there asap".
My boyfriend is going to kill me, and I know that it's "too many" cats. I know how other people see me, I have gotten a lot of phone calls and shocked faces when I tell people how many cats I have in my house. &it makes me feel bad - I feel embarrassed, and immature...and I don't know how to put it. Going into the situation I was conscious of the fact that I would probably not be too happy with myself later in the day - especially after really thinking yesterday that I can never foster this many cats again...because it just is really too much for me.
That being said, in that moment, and even still, I couldn't live with myself knowing that I let my feelings kill 5 little kittens. Five little gorgeous kittens. Chai has taken them all in, and she looks like a milk bag with 6 holes in her.
I pretty much think I can never go to the shelter again!
I had nothing better to do, I rarely get out, and like a dog, I like going for rides! - so, I said sure, why not.
We get to the shelter...and I like looking at cats. I know it's sad for some people, but I'm like a goldfish with a 30 second memory; the "kitten" effect never diminishes with me. &I'm not even kidding. I probably have seen around 30 kittens today...and for *each and every* one "Omg, you're so cute! Look at you!!" - even with a packed house of my own, stopping at Heather's on the way back lead to much more "Oh let me hold you! You're so soft! I love you!".
So, back to the point, I had promised my boyfriend "99% I won't bring a cat home...unless there are like orphaned newborns who are going to be put down, and even then, I think I can say no".
Of course we walk by a cage, and guess what. Five two and a half week old gorgeous kittens.
As we kept walking I made Heather stop and asked, "they're going to be okay right? They're big enough to wait in the shelter?". She looked at them and said no. Five minutes later I was bugging her again, "Are you sure? Why???". We asked the vet tech who had gotten Coleman out of his cage, and she confirmed what Heather already knew. Then Heather asked, "should I take them?" and both of them laughed when they heard how quickly I said "YES".
So, working out logistics, Heather revealed that she had already been considering taking the pregnant Kiki home with her - and 5 kittens meant no Kiki. So of course, like a teenager, I say that I can do it if another foster home can take two or three of my kittens. Heather tells me she can put them in the Pet Valu store in a few days, &the deal is done.
&I have never felt so terrible fostering kittens, I know I haven't fostered a lot, but I have just been racked with guilt all the way home. I remember her saying "Once you pass that door, you can't give them back" and I replied "then let's get through there asap".
My boyfriend is going to kill me, and I know that it's "too many" cats. I know how other people see me, I have gotten a lot of phone calls and shocked faces when I tell people how many cats I have in my house. &it makes me feel bad - I feel embarrassed, and immature...and I don't know how to put it. Going into the situation I was conscious of the fact that I would probably not be too happy with myself later in the day - especially after really thinking yesterday that I can never foster this many cats again...because it just is really too much for me.
That being said, in that moment, and even still, I couldn't live with myself knowing that I let my feelings kill 5 little kittens. Five little gorgeous kittens. Chai has taken them all in, and she looks like a milk bag with 6 holes in her.
I pretty much think I can never go to the shelter again!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
50 cent
When I started this blog, I decided to allow ads in the hopes it might (laugh) someday be enough for a TCR donation. As of today I had made 50 cents. I am very impressed by this! I expected 0 cents, so!The fosters are doing well. I want to nickname one of the grey tabbies Screamy - Mist stopped crying today. He screams *a lot*. He cries when I'm not in the room. He cries when I *am* in the room, and not touching him *just so*.
Btw, Mist not crying may sound like a good thing, but it means I hardly ever see Chai. Mist isn't screaming because she has been permanently affixed to a nipple!
Those two are total angels. &today the little brown tabby jumped next to me on his way to the window. Then the female grey tabby shocked me by emerging from the closet with me in the room, for the first time!, and finding a stealthy path to the window ledge as well.
The bulk of my efforts have not been spent trying to interact with the feral kittens. In fact, for the most part, I try to totally ignore them. When they do emerge, I don't look at them. I go about my business changing the litter box, sweeping the floor, and playing with the grey tabbies. So, they've definitely been within about a foot of me at this point...I just don't try to touch them (yet). Instead of acclimating them to affection, I've been trying to acclimate them, and make them immune, to my presence. When I could be reaching out to them, I stand up instead. I try to get them used to normal human interactions first. &then I sang like the whole time I was in the room.
I was singing this to the kittens earlier. As I told Heather on the weekend, for anyone who doesn't know, originally I was an East Asian Studies major. That song always makes me want to cry.
If you're interested, I think if you search for the English lyrics on yahoo, you'll find a post from me years ago...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Oops I did it again
So, this is what I woke up to this morning. Not to mention finding Mist on a shelf in my closet after that.
So, I went to the shelter with Heather on Sunday morning (9am drives = bleeeh). She rescued Shaggy, and to say that I was a bit overwhelmed was an understatement. It wasn't really how I'd expected: I pictured wall to wall, floor to ceiling, crates with sad looking kitties...but for the most part everyone looked very clean and happy. There also weren't as many cats as I'd expected; each room is maybe 10 cages long, with cages on both sides. They aren't stacked atop one another, and they fill 3 rooms + a hallway. 1 room was filled with cats still waiting for their owners, and afterwards Heather told me that she hadn't taken me to see the ones with marked cages.
There were *a lot* of kittens. A lot of newborns and nursing moms, and afterwards Heather told me that she had deftly steered me away from there, as she saw the way I kept walking back and looking at them. The litter of 9 6week old kittens were so precious, but they told us they wouldn't break them up unless we could find homes for the rest...eventually Heather offered to choose for me, because there was no way that I could have. If it was left to me, I probably would have walked out of there in tears with 10 cats...of course taking newborns, and sick kittens, and crying about the ones I wasn't taking...and she eventually picked out some kittens that she thought could be adopted into new homes quickly. I remember picking out the first two, the vet tech asked me how many I wanted. I said "3...maybe four". 30 minutes later I had five.
3 of them were little feral kitties, and progress has been slow, although progress has been made. I've slept and taken naps in the room with them, and now little balls of fur will whir by me on their way to the window ledge. The other two are little grey tabbies, and while they were skittish and terrified at first (I have the scratches and the bite marks to prove it!), they are little angels now...I always find them sleeping beside me, or else one of them screams for attention. I had my step-mother and her son over today, and they were extremely social; they love chasing the mouse toy and going into your lap for affection.
I need to take pictures of them, and I'll try to tonight. Hopefully in the next few days I'll actually be able to get within 3 feet of the feral ones. Their distaste for the litter box however...not fun times.
Friday, July 10, 2009
mo' mobility, mo' problems
Yes, I totally wrote that.
The last 48hrs have been filled with milestones.
Mist started walking. Incoming nightmare. I have found her outside her crate 3x in the last 24hours. Not to mention the fact that I had to respond to an "incident" earlier wherein Mist had wedged herself inbetween the cage wall and Chai's water bottle. She can't back up yet (then again, how many times have I seen any cat walk backwards), so there was much freaking out on her part.
The other things Mist is now doing(!): she started grooming herself today. Cute town!
&the other, was she started purring from being pet today. At one point snuggling up to me sleeping, she started purring as well.
She has just been so cute today, I love it <3.
The last 48hrs have been filled with milestones.
Mist started walking. Incoming nightmare. I have found her outside her crate 3x in the last 24hours. Not to mention the fact that I had to respond to an "incident" earlier wherein Mist had wedged herself inbetween the cage wall and Chai's water bottle. She can't back up yet (then again, how many times have I seen any cat walk backwards), so there was much freaking out on her part.
The other things Mist is now doing(!): she started grooming herself today. Cute town!
&the other, was she started purring from being pet today. At one point snuggling up to me sleeping, she started purring as well.
She has just been so cute today, I love it <3.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
meep
So, my little baby Emmet is gone...along with super soft kitty Bart.
It hasn't really sunk in yet that I won't be finding onion skins all over my house (Emmet has developed an obsession with playing with them!), nor having my toes attacked while I sleep...nor have a tiny snuggly kitten curled up next to my head while I'm dreaming.
Their new family seems super nice, and offered to send my pictures of them in their new home. &hurray they got adopted together, I think Emmet would die without Bart :P.
It hasn't really sunk in yet that I won't be finding onion skins all over my house (Emmet has developed an obsession with playing with them!), nor having my toes attacked while I sleep...nor have a tiny snuggly kitten curled up next to my head while I'm dreaming.
Their new family seems super nice, and offered to send my pictures of them in their new home. &hurray they got adopted together, I think Emmet would die without Bart :P.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Grrr
I have been sick all day. This makes me not want to write, which sucks, when I wanted to write about things.
I have named the last kitten Mist, and I loooooove her. She has the *sweetest* face when she looks up at you with her little milk moustache. The Clavamox seems to be helping, she's much less sneezy & wheezy over the last 24h.
Chai has started nursing again, thank god. Hopefully this means I don't have to wake up 3 times during the night anymore. Not that I minded so much - Mist wiggles her little ears back and forth as she vacuums up milk from the syringe, and then takes a break to breath before screaming for more. It's well worth all the drama just to get to watch her like this! I took a nap with Mist earlier after she fed because Chai wanted to have some time to herself and stretch out on the floor.
She is such a little sweetheart. I actually find myself hoping she'll be a DMH like her mom...too cute!
(Someone kept walking while I tried to take the picture)
I have named the last kitten Mist, and I loooooove her. She has the *sweetest* face when she looks up at you with her little milk moustache. The Clavamox seems to be helping, she's much less sneezy & wheezy over the last 24h.
Chai has started nursing again, thank god. Hopefully this means I don't have to wake up 3 times during the night anymore. Not that I minded so much - Mist wiggles her little ears back and forth as she vacuums up milk from the syringe, and then takes a break to breath before screaming for more. It's well worth all the drama just to get to watch her like this! I took a nap with Mist earlier after she fed because Chai wanted to have some time to herself and stretch out on the floor.
She is such a little sweetheart. I actually find myself hoping she'll be a DMH like her mom...too cute!
(Someone kept walking while I tried to take the picture)Monday, July 6, 2009
Calling it
I wrote this to this, or if you've seen The Departed/Infernal Affairs(1&3?) this.
I feel relatively comfortable saying that Stubby drew his last breath a few minutes ago. They're still huddled together in my sheet, I don't really have the heart at the moment to tear them apart.
I wish I knew what to say. Irrelevant as it may be, and as much as my boyfriend may disagree, I've realized I'm a stronger person in the last week. I'd never seen death before, and in an hour, I'll have four kittens buried in my yard.
We watched Public Enemies the other day, and the parts that really stuck were the parts that mentioned watching someone die. I can at least imagine what that's like now.
Before Wiggles, I never thought I'd make it through this without dying inside to some degree. As time passed, my anxiety rose, and I doubted I'd make it through this again...but somehow I have; somehow I have come to peace with all of this. I remember when someone brought a cat that had died in to the vet clinic I used to work at; I called my then-boyfriend to come and put it in the freezer for me. I have always been terrified of death.
I guess that's not necessarily truthful. I have watched animals be euthanized; but it's just different. The pug I saw die the first time, because his owner was moving, brought me to tears in the back. Subsequent animals failed to affect me immediately - I guess because a loving owner was always there and the corpse was still warm...it didn't feel dead to me...just like I was moving any animal.
I've mentioned to others that I don't want to foster newborns anymore....for a while at least. &idk, every time I say that I slap myself mentally and think "what a selfish thought"...I've got to get back on that horse, and I have to realize that without me these kittens might not have any other chance. So, boohoo it hurts...but are you kidding? You value your pain > saving a little life?
I don't know, this week sucks. Everything sucks. I just hope McScreamy can get through it all. I just hope this wasn't a fucking waste.
I love how half the stuff I write about is super creepy. Like the fact that right now, I just want to cuddle Stubby. How sick is it to want to cradle a cat in your arms until rigor mortis sets in.
Sometimes I wish I still had a "regular blog" - I keep wanting to write about non kitten related things.
I feel relatively comfortable saying that Stubby drew his last breath a few minutes ago. They're still huddled together in my sheet, I don't really have the heart at the moment to tear them apart.
I wish I knew what to say. Irrelevant as it may be, and as much as my boyfriend may disagree, I've realized I'm a stronger person in the last week. I'd never seen death before, and in an hour, I'll have four kittens buried in my yard.
We watched Public Enemies the other day, and the parts that really stuck were the parts that mentioned watching someone die. I can at least imagine what that's like now.
Before Wiggles, I never thought I'd make it through this without dying inside to some degree. As time passed, my anxiety rose, and I doubted I'd make it through this again...but somehow I have; somehow I have come to peace with all of this. I remember when someone brought a cat that had died in to the vet clinic I used to work at; I called my then-boyfriend to come and put it in the freezer for me. I have always been terrified of death.
I guess that's not necessarily truthful. I have watched animals be euthanized; but it's just different. The pug I saw die the first time, because his owner was moving, brought me to tears in the back. Subsequent animals failed to affect me immediately - I guess because a loving owner was always there and the corpse was still warm...it didn't feel dead to me...just like I was moving any animal.
I've mentioned to others that I don't want to foster newborns anymore....for a while at least. &idk, every time I say that I slap myself mentally and think "what a selfish thought"...I've got to get back on that horse, and I have to realize that without me these kittens might not have any other chance. So, boohoo it hurts...but are you kidding? You value your pain > saving a little life?
I don't know, this week sucks. Everything sucks. I just hope McScreamy can get through it all. I just hope this wasn't a fucking waste.
I love how half the stuff I write about is super creepy. Like the fact that right now, I just want to cuddle Stubby. How sick is it to want to cradle a cat in your arms until rigor mortis sets in.
Sometimes I wish I still had a "regular blog" - I keep wanting to write about non kitten related things.
quitter?
After some drama, I caved and took the kittens to the vet today. Their nicknames are McScreamy and Stubby (guess which ones is in better shape :P), and McScreamy managed to poo all over my white shirt at the vet.
I left with antibiotics and eye drops, and at the moment have two kittens curled up in my lap. I asked about separating them from Chai, as I haven't seen her nurse or be with them in 2 days, and the vet said in a scoffing tone "well, if you were home with them all day...", &huzzah, I have no life, so I can try to warm them up as they were both somewhat cold.
McScreamy eats like a fiend and is nuts. Stubby has a short tail that the vet guesses was amputated sometime after birth and is not doing so well. It's been a gradual decline into the world of not-crying-because-my-lungs-are-full-of-crap.
The most amazing/hilarious thing for me, of the last few days, was Chai doing her normal "Ha! I got out! Now I shall scare everyone away!" and going nose to nose with Emmet who just hissed back at her and refused to get up. He so thinks he owns all other cats :)
I left with antibiotics and eye drops, and at the moment have two kittens curled up in my lap. I asked about separating them from Chai, as I haven't seen her nurse or be with them in 2 days, and the vet said in a scoffing tone "well, if you were home with them all day...", &huzzah, I have no life, so I can try to warm them up as they were both somewhat cold.
McScreamy eats like a fiend and is nuts. Stubby has a short tail that the vet guesses was amputated sometime after birth and is not doing so well. It's been a gradual decline into the world of not-crying-because-my-lungs-are-full-of-crap.
The most amazing/hilarious thing for me, of the last few days, was Chai doing her normal "Ha! I got out! Now I shall scare everyone away!" and going nose to nose with Emmet who just hissed back at her and refused to get up. He so thinks he owns all other cats :)
Sunday, July 5, 2009
When it rains, it pours
After Wiggles's death, Tuxedo kitten started to look like he was going south. Heather very sweetly obliged me, and came to see them...and she gave Tuxedo a 30% to survive due to the congestion in his lungs. The other orange kitty wasn't looking too hot either, but he was still nursing and pretty mobile.
6 hours and 2 feedings later, I found both of them dead at 3:45am on July 4th.
It didn't hurt as much this time; maybe it was the fact I was half awake, maybe because I was so emotionally drained, maybe because it was so sudden and such a surprise. We buried them in the garden (of course my boyfriend I haven't seen in a month has to be here for all this), and now we're really smothering the last two kittens with fears and attention. Heather said the odds the whole little will pass are fairly high - so every few minutes we're in and out, supplementing nursing (...if they are, we haven't seen Chai nurse since yesterday morning).
On another note, Eve called me back the other day and told me that she'll come to take Bart & Emmet on Thursday or Friday. Meh. I know I should be happy and super excited - I mean, they're getting adopted together!! - but I am just so apathetic to anything kitten related right now. I am sure afterwords the crying will begin, and I'll be un-numbed...I am going to miss my little baby Emmet :(.
But for right now, I think the last 3 days have really punched me in the stomach, and only time will allow me to start feeling normal again.
6 hours and 2 feedings later, I found both of them dead at 3:45am on July 4th.
It didn't hurt as much this time; maybe it was the fact I was half awake, maybe because I was so emotionally drained, maybe because it was so sudden and such a surprise. We buried them in the garden (of course my boyfriend I haven't seen in a month has to be here for all this), and now we're really smothering the last two kittens with fears and attention. Heather said the odds the whole little will pass are fairly high - so every few minutes we're in and out, supplementing nursing (...if they are, we haven't seen Chai nurse since yesterday morning).
On another note, Eve called me back the other day and told me that she'll come to take Bart & Emmet on Thursday or Friday. Meh. I know I should be happy and super excited - I mean, they're getting adopted together!! - but I am just so apathetic to anything kitten related right now. I am sure afterwords the crying will begin, and I'll be un-numbed...I am going to miss my little baby Emmet :(.
But for right now, I think the last 3 days have really punched me in the stomach, and only time will allow me to start feeling normal again.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
...
I don't know really how to preface this without being ridiculous and pretentious, so Wiggles died.
I'm sure in some way that this was my fault. He wasn't "well" when I fed him this morning, but afterwards he was noticeably limper.
He stopped crying sometime last night. He would try, but the sound was weak and never right. Last night Chai started to kick him out of the box. I found him about a meter away and next to the humidifier...he had felt very cold the last few days and I always tried to sandwich him inbetween his littermates. I put them all back in the dog crate, and when I went in this morning, he was at the front next to the water bowl.
I put him in with his siblings, after feeding him, and came back ten minutes later to make sure Chai hadn't moved him. When I came back, he was away from his siblings in the corner of the box, so I went to move him. I picked him up and thought he wasn't breathing, until after about 10seconds he took a deep sudden breath.
So, I knew then that this was pretty much done. I picked him up and put him in the front of my shirt between my breasts, because to me it seemed to be the warmest spot. I just held him there for thirty minutes, scratching his tiny head, and listening to the air leaving his body.
I couldn't look at his face, even when I was fairly certain he'd already gone. I just kept holding him and petting him, and when I did finally pull him away to check his little face, his body was rigid...forever fixed into a little ball with his mouth open.
I guess I'm trying to tell myself that in some way this wasn't my fault...but I'm pretty sure I must've gotten some formula into his lungs; something like that to cause such a rapid decline.
I really feel like a failure. I feel like what a terrible thing I've done, and I feel like I've let everyone down. I remember holding him yesterday, and telling him that I was going to get him through this - he would be ok. He just needed to get his energy back, and that was going to happen with being syringe fed.
I buried him in my garden, and that's when I finally started crying and tears started pouring down my face.
I feel like most of all I let Wiggles down. He was in my care, and my responsibility, and I killed him. I feel like a fucking jerk.
I am going to listen to Baek Ji Young ballads.
I'm sure in some way that this was my fault. He wasn't "well" when I fed him this morning, but afterwards he was noticeably limper.
He stopped crying sometime last night. He would try, but the sound was weak and never right. Last night Chai started to kick him out of the box. I found him about a meter away and next to the humidifier...he had felt very cold the last few days and I always tried to sandwich him inbetween his littermates. I put them all back in the dog crate, and when I went in this morning, he was at the front next to the water bowl.
I put him in with his siblings, after feeding him, and came back ten minutes later to make sure Chai hadn't moved him. When I came back, he was away from his siblings in the corner of the box, so I went to move him. I picked him up and thought he wasn't breathing, until after about 10seconds he took a deep sudden breath.
So, I knew then that this was pretty much done. I picked him up and put him in the front of my shirt between my breasts, because to me it seemed to be the warmest spot. I just held him there for thirty minutes, scratching his tiny head, and listening to the air leaving his body.
I couldn't look at his face, even when I was fairly certain he'd already gone. I just kept holding him and petting him, and when I did finally pull him away to check his little face, his body was rigid...forever fixed into a little ball with his mouth open.
I guess I'm trying to tell myself that in some way this wasn't my fault...but I'm pretty sure I must've gotten some formula into his lungs; something like that to cause such a rapid decline.
I really feel like a failure. I feel like what a terrible thing I've done, and I feel like I've let everyone down. I remember holding him yesterday, and telling him that I was going to get him through this - he would be ok. He just needed to get his energy back, and that was going to happen with being syringe fed.
I buried him in my garden, and that's when I finally started crying and tears started pouring down my face.
I feel like most of all I let Wiggles down. He was in my care, and my responsibility, and I killed him. I feel like a fucking jerk.
I am going to listen to Baek Ji Young ballads.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I see you
I love volunteering with TCR. Looking at the page and seeing 6 kitties have been adopted (3 of them adults!), makes me feel reeeeally good...and I didn't even do anything!
I woke up today to a few sweet little eyes looking up at me. The big orange kitty, and one of the black ones, now have opened their eyes. I'm assuming the rest will follow suit any time now.
My family + a seven year old came over to look at the kittens today. Apparently week old kittens are interesting for about as long as you can say "aw" before they wanted to go see Emmet and then buy icecream. They were forewarned...the kittens are not terribly interesting while they just lay around and squirm!
Wiggles is the same, no better no worse. The other kittens have been progressively sneezing more and more, and I'm just hoping they don't get as sick as little Wiggles. He's still breathing through his mouth, but the worst of his congestion seems passed, and I'm hoping he'll start breathing through his nose & consequently nursing again soon.
Emmet has a few nicknames : Kitten jr, Piglet, Pigtron 4000. I think the best way to illustrate this is with an event from yesterday. He ran up and down the stairs following me, sliding all over the floor, running into cats...all because he thought "omg maybe you'll give me wet food! WET FOOOOD!". I gave in because I spoil him and he's too cute not to, and then I went to feed Wiggles. Chai's newest habit is waiting by the door so she can run out when I walk in, and chase my other cats away. So she runs out, my cats scream and run at 10,000 miles an hour, and Emmet doesn't even bat an eyelash. He is far too interested in his little food bowl!
I woke up today to a few sweet little eyes looking up at me. The big orange kitty, and one of the black ones, now have opened their eyes. I'm assuming the rest will follow suit any time now.
My family + a seven year old came over to look at the kittens today. Apparently week old kittens are interesting for about as long as you can say "aw" before they wanted to go see Emmet and then buy icecream. They were forewarned...the kittens are not terribly interesting while they just lay around and squirm!
Wiggles is the same, no better no worse. The other kittens have been progressively sneezing more and more, and I'm just hoping they don't get as sick as little Wiggles. He's still breathing through his mouth, but the worst of his congestion seems passed, and I'm hoping he'll start breathing through his nose & consequently nursing again soon.
Emmet has a few nicknames : Kitten jr, Piglet, Pigtron 4000. I think the best way to illustrate this is with an event from yesterday. He ran up and down the stairs following me, sliding all over the floor, running into cats...all because he thought "omg maybe you'll give me wet food! WET FOOOOD!". I gave in because I spoil him and he's too cute not to, and then I went to feed Wiggles. Chai's newest habit is waiting by the door so she can run out when I walk in, and chase my other cats away. So she runs out, my cats scream and run at 10,000 miles an hour, and Emmet doesn't even bat an eyelash. He is far too interested in his little food bowl!
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