So, my little baby Emmet is gone...along with super soft kitty Bart.
It hasn't really sunk in yet that I won't be finding onion skins all over my house (Emmet has developed an obsession with playing with them!), nor having my toes attacked while I sleep...nor have a tiny snuggly kitten curled up next to my head while I'm dreaming.
Their new family seems super nice, and offered to send my pictures of them in their new home. &hurray they got adopted together, I think Emmet would die without Bart :P.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Grrr
I have been sick all day. This makes me not want to write, which sucks, when I wanted to write about things.
I have named the last kitten Mist, and I loooooove her. She has the *sweetest* face when she looks up at you with her little milk moustache. The Clavamox seems to be helping, she's much less sneezy & wheezy over the last 24h.
Chai has started nursing again, thank god. Hopefully this means I don't have to wake up 3 times during the night anymore. Not that I minded so much - Mist wiggles her little ears back and forth as she vacuums up milk from the syringe, and then takes a break to breath before screaming for more. It's well worth all the drama just to get to watch her like this! I took a nap with Mist earlier after she fed because Chai wanted to have some time to herself and stretch out on the floor.
She is such a little sweetheart. I actually find myself hoping she'll be a DMH like her mom...too cute!
(Someone kept walking while I tried to take the picture)
I have named the last kitten Mist, and I loooooove her. She has the *sweetest* face when she looks up at you with her little milk moustache. The Clavamox seems to be helping, she's much less sneezy & wheezy over the last 24h.
Chai has started nursing again, thank god. Hopefully this means I don't have to wake up 3 times during the night anymore. Not that I minded so much - Mist wiggles her little ears back and forth as she vacuums up milk from the syringe, and then takes a break to breath before screaming for more. It's well worth all the drama just to get to watch her like this! I took a nap with Mist earlier after she fed because Chai wanted to have some time to herself and stretch out on the floor.
She is such a little sweetheart. I actually find myself hoping she'll be a DMH like her mom...too cute!
(Someone kept walking while I tried to take the picture)Monday, July 6, 2009
Calling it
I wrote this to this, or if you've seen The Departed/Infernal Affairs(1&3?) this.
I feel relatively comfortable saying that Stubby drew his last breath a few minutes ago. They're still huddled together in my sheet, I don't really have the heart at the moment to tear them apart.
I wish I knew what to say. Irrelevant as it may be, and as much as my boyfriend may disagree, I've realized I'm a stronger person in the last week. I'd never seen death before, and in an hour, I'll have four kittens buried in my yard.
We watched Public Enemies the other day, and the parts that really stuck were the parts that mentioned watching someone die. I can at least imagine what that's like now.
Before Wiggles, I never thought I'd make it through this without dying inside to some degree. As time passed, my anxiety rose, and I doubted I'd make it through this again...but somehow I have; somehow I have come to peace with all of this. I remember when someone brought a cat that had died in to the vet clinic I used to work at; I called my then-boyfriend to come and put it in the freezer for me. I have always been terrified of death.
I guess that's not necessarily truthful. I have watched animals be euthanized; but it's just different. The pug I saw die the first time, because his owner was moving, brought me to tears in the back. Subsequent animals failed to affect me immediately - I guess because a loving owner was always there and the corpse was still warm...it didn't feel dead to me...just like I was moving any animal.
I've mentioned to others that I don't want to foster newborns anymore....for a while at least. &idk, every time I say that I slap myself mentally and think "what a selfish thought"...I've got to get back on that horse, and I have to realize that without me these kittens might not have any other chance. So, boohoo it hurts...but are you kidding? You value your pain > saving a little life?
I don't know, this week sucks. Everything sucks. I just hope McScreamy can get through it all. I just hope this wasn't a fucking waste.
I love how half the stuff I write about is super creepy. Like the fact that right now, I just want to cuddle Stubby. How sick is it to want to cradle a cat in your arms until rigor mortis sets in.
Sometimes I wish I still had a "regular blog" - I keep wanting to write about non kitten related things.
I feel relatively comfortable saying that Stubby drew his last breath a few minutes ago. They're still huddled together in my sheet, I don't really have the heart at the moment to tear them apart.
I wish I knew what to say. Irrelevant as it may be, and as much as my boyfriend may disagree, I've realized I'm a stronger person in the last week. I'd never seen death before, and in an hour, I'll have four kittens buried in my yard.
We watched Public Enemies the other day, and the parts that really stuck were the parts that mentioned watching someone die. I can at least imagine what that's like now.
Before Wiggles, I never thought I'd make it through this without dying inside to some degree. As time passed, my anxiety rose, and I doubted I'd make it through this again...but somehow I have; somehow I have come to peace with all of this. I remember when someone brought a cat that had died in to the vet clinic I used to work at; I called my then-boyfriend to come and put it in the freezer for me. I have always been terrified of death.
I guess that's not necessarily truthful. I have watched animals be euthanized; but it's just different. The pug I saw die the first time, because his owner was moving, brought me to tears in the back. Subsequent animals failed to affect me immediately - I guess because a loving owner was always there and the corpse was still warm...it didn't feel dead to me...just like I was moving any animal.
I've mentioned to others that I don't want to foster newborns anymore....for a while at least. &idk, every time I say that I slap myself mentally and think "what a selfish thought"...I've got to get back on that horse, and I have to realize that without me these kittens might not have any other chance. So, boohoo it hurts...but are you kidding? You value your pain > saving a little life?
I don't know, this week sucks. Everything sucks. I just hope McScreamy can get through it all. I just hope this wasn't a fucking waste.
I love how half the stuff I write about is super creepy. Like the fact that right now, I just want to cuddle Stubby. How sick is it to want to cradle a cat in your arms until rigor mortis sets in.
Sometimes I wish I still had a "regular blog" - I keep wanting to write about non kitten related things.
quitter?
After some drama, I caved and took the kittens to the vet today. Their nicknames are McScreamy and Stubby (guess which ones is in better shape :P), and McScreamy managed to poo all over my white shirt at the vet.
I left with antibiotics and eye drops, and at the moment have two kittens curled up in my lap. I asked about separating them from Chai, as I haven't seen her nurse or be with them in 2 days, and the vet said in a scoffing tone "well, if you were home with them all day...", &huzzah, I have no life, so I can try to warm them up as they were both somewhat cold.
McScreamy eats like a fiend and is nuts. Stubby has a short tail that the vet guesses was amputated sometime after birth and is not doing so well. It's been a gradual decline into the world of not-crying-because-my-lungs-are-full-of-crap.
The most amazing/hilarious thing for me, of the last few days, was Chai doing her normal "Ha! I got out! Now I shall scare everyone away!" and going nose to nose with Emmet who just hissed back at her and refused to get up. He so thinks he owns all other cats :)
I left with antibiotics and eye drops, and at the moment have two kittens curled up in my lap. I asked about separating them from Chai, as I haven't seen her nurse or be with them in 2 days, and the vet said in a scoffing tone "well, if you were home with them all day...", &huzzah, I have no life, so I can try to warm them up as they were both somewhat cold.
McScreamy eats like a fiend and is nuts. Stubby has a short tail that the vet guesses was amputated sometime after birth and is not doing so well. It's been a gradual decline into the world of not-crying-because-my-lungs-are-full-of-crap.
The most amazing/hilarious thing for me, of the last few days, was Chai doing her normal "Ha! I got out! Now I shall scare everyone away!" and going nose to nose with Emmet who just hissed back at her and refused to get up. He so thinks he owns all other cats :)
Sunday, July 5, 2009
When it rains, it pours
After Wiggles's death, Tuxedo kitten started to look like he was going south. Heather very sweetly obliged me, and came to see them...and she gave Tuxedo a 30% to survive due to the congestion in his lungs. The other orange kitty wasn't looking too hot either, but he was still nursing and pretty mobile.
6 hours and 2 feedings later, I found both of them dead at 3:45am on July 4th.
It didn't hurt as much this time; maybe it was the fact I was half awake, maybe because I was so emotionally drained, maybe because it was so sudden and such a surprise. We buried them in the garden (of course my boyfriend I haven't seen in a month has to be here for all this), and now we're really smothering the last two kittens with fears and attention. Heather said the odds the whole little will pass are fairly high - so every few minutes we're in and out, supplementing nursing (...if they are, we haven't seen Chai nurse since yesterday morning).
On another note, Eve called me back the other day and told me that she'll come to take Bart & Emmet on Thursday or Friday. Meh. I know I should be happy and super excited - I mean, they're getting adopted together!! - but I am just so apathetic to anything kitten related right now. I am sure afterwords the crying will begin, and I'll be un-numbed...I am going to miss my little baby Emmet :(.
But for right now, I think the last 3 days have really punched me in the stomach, and only time will allow me to start feeling normal again.
6 hours and 2 feedings later, I found both of them dead at 3:45am on July 4th.
It didn't hurt as much this time; maybe it was the fact I was half awake, maybe because I was so emotionally drained, maybe because it was so sudden and such a surprise. We buried them in the garden (of course my boyfriend I haven't seen in a month has to be here for all this), and now we're really smothering the last two kittens with fears and attention. Heather said the odds the whole little will pass are fairly high - so every few minutes we're in and out, supplementing nursing (...if they are, we haven't seen Chai nurse since yesterday morning).
On another note, Eve called me back the other day and told me that she'll come to take Bart & Emmet on Thursday or Friday. Meh. I know I should be happy and super excited - I mean, they're getting adopted together!! - but I am just so apathetic to anything kitten related right now. I am sure afterwords the crying will begin, and I'll be un-numbed...I am going to miss my little baby Emmet :(.
But for right now, I think the last 3 days have really punched me in the stomach, and only time will allow me to start feeling normal again.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
...
I don't know really how to preface this without being ridiculous and pretentious, so Wiggles died.
I'm sure in some way that this was my fault. He wasn't "well" when I fed him this morning, but afterwards he was noticeably limper.
He stopped crying sometime last night. He would try, but the sound was weak and never right. Last night Chai started to kick him out of the box. I found him about a meter away and next to the humidifier...he had felt very cold the last few days and I always tried to sandwich him inbetween his littermates. I put them all back in the dog crate, and when I went in this morning, he was at the front next to the water bowl.
I put him in with his siblings, after feeding him, and came back ten minutes later to make sure Chai hadn't moved him. When I came back, he was away from his siblings in the corner of the box, so I went to move him. I picked him up and thought he wasn't breathing, until after about 10seconds he took a deep sudden breath.
So, I knew then that this was pretty much done. I picked him up and put him in the front of my shirt between my breasts, because to me it seemed to be the warmest spot. I just held him there for thirty minutes, scratching his tiny head, and listening to the air leaving his body.
I couldn't look at his face, even when I was fairly certain he'd already gone. I just kept holding him and petting him, and when I did finally pull him away to check his little face, his body was rigid...forever fixed into a little ball with his mouth open.
I guess I'm trying to tell myself that in some way this wasn't my fault...but I'm pretty sure I must've gotten some formula into his lungs; something like that to cause such a rapid decline.
I really feel like a failure. I feel like what a terrible thing I've done, and I feel like I've let everyone down. I remember holding him yesterday, and telling him that I was going to get him through this - he would be ok. He just needed to get his energy back, and that was going to happen with being syringe fed.
I buried him in my garden, and that's when I finally started crying and tears started pouring down my face.
I feel like most of all I let Wiggles down. He was in my care, and my responsibility, and I killed him. I feel like a fucking jerk.
I am going to listen to Baek Ji Young ballads.
I'm sure in some way that this was my fault. He wasn't "well" when I fed him this morning, but afterwards he was noticeably limper.
He stopped crying sometime last night. He would try, but the sound was weak and never right. Last night Chai started to kick him out of the box. I found him about a meter away and next to the humidifier...he had felt very cold the last few days and I always tried to sandwich him inbetween his littermates. I put them all back in the dog crate, and when I went in this morning, he was at the front next to the water bowl.
I put him in with his siblings, after feeding him, and came back ten minutes later to make sure Chai hadn't moved him. When I came back, he was away from his siblings in the corner of the box, so I went to move him. I picked him up and thought he wasn't breathing, until after about 10seconds he took a deep sudden breath.
So, I knew then that this was pretty much done. I picked him up and put him in the front of my shirt between my breasts, because to me it seemed to be the warmest spot. I just held him there for thirty minutes, scratching his tiny head, and listening to the air leaving his body.
I couldn't look at his face, even when I was fairly certain he'd already gone. I just kept holding him and petting him, and when I did finally pull him away to check his little face, his body was rigid...forever fixed into a little ball with his mouth open.
I guess I'm trying to tell myself that in some way this wasn't my fault...but I'm pretty sure I must've gotten some formula into his lungs; something like that to cause such a rapid decline.
I really feel like a failure. I feel like what a terrible thing I've done, and I feel like I've let everyone down. I remember holding him yesterday, and telling him that I was going to get him through this - he would be ok. He just needed to get his energy back, and that was going to happen with being syringe fed.
I buried him in my garden, and that's when I finally started crying and tears started pouring down my face.
I feel like most of all I let Wiggles down. He was in my care, and my responsibility, and I killed him. I feel like a fucking jerk.
I am going to listen to Baek Ji Young ballads.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I see you
I love volunteering with TCR. Looking at the page and seeing 6 kitties have been adopted (3 of them adults!), makes me feel reeeeally good...and I didn't even do anything!
I woke up today to a few sweet little eyes looking up at me. The big orange kitty, and one of the black ones, now have opened their eyes. I'm assuming the rest will follow suit any time now.
My family + a seven year old came over to look at the kittens today. Apparently week old kittens are interesting for about as long as you can say "aw" before they wanted to go see Emmet and then buy icecream. They were forewarned...the kittens are not terribly interesting while they just lay around and squirm!
Wiggles is the same, no better no worse. The other kittens have been progressively sneezing more and more, and I'm just hoping they don't get as sick as little Wiggles. He's still breathing through his mouth, but the worst of his congestion seems passed, and I'm hoping he'll start breathing through his nose & consequently nursing again soon.
Emmet has a few nicknames : Kitten jr, Piglet, Pigtron 4000. I think the best way to illustrate this is with an event from yesterday. He ran up and down the stairs following me, sliding all over the floor, running into cats...all because he thought "omg maybe you'll give me wet food! WET FOOOOD!". I gave in because I spoil him and he's too cute not to, and then I went to feed Wiggles. Chai's newest habit is waiting by the door so she can run out when I walk in, and chase my other cats away. So she runs out, my cats scream and run at 10,000 miles an hour, and Emmet doesn't even bat an eyelash. He is far too interested in his little food bowl!
I woke up today to a few sweet little eyes looking up at me. The big orange kitty, and one of the black ones, now have opened their eyes. I'm assuming the rest will follow suit any time now.
My family + a seven year old came over to look at the kittens today. Apparently week old kittens are interesting for about as long as you can say "aw" before they wanted to go see Emmet and then buy icecream. They were forewarned...the kittens are not terribly interesting while they just lay around and squirm!
Wiggles is the same, no better no worse. The other kittens have been progressively sneezing more and more, and I'm just hoping they don't get as sick as little Wiggles. He's still breathing through his mouth, but the worst of his congestion seems passed, and I'm hoping he'll start breathing through his nose & consequently nursing again soon.
Emmet has a few nicknames : Kitten jr, Piglet, Pigtron 4000. I think the best way to illustrate this is with an event from yesterday. He ran up and down the stairs following me, sliding all over the floor, running into cats...all because he thought "omg maybe you'll give me wet food! WET FOOOOD!". I gave in because I spoil him and he's too cute not to, and then I went to feed Wiggles. Chai's newest habit is waiting by the door so she can run out when I walk in, and chase my other cats away. So she runs out, my cats scream and run at 10,000 miles an hour, and Emmet doesn't even bat an eyelash. He is far too interested in his little food bowl!
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