I don't know really how to preface this without being ridiculous and pretentious, so Wiggles died.
I'm sure in some way that this was my fault. He wasn't "well" when I fed him this morning, but afterwards he was noticeably limper.
He stopped crying sometime last night. He would try, but the sound was weak and never right. Last night Chai started to kick him out of the box. I found him about a meter away and next to the humidifier...he had felt very cold the last few days and I always tried to sandwich him inbetween his littermates. I put them all back in the dog crate, and when I went in this morning, he was at the front next to the water bowl.
I put him in with his siblings, after feeding him, and came back ten minutes later to make sure Chai hadn't moved him. When I came back, he was away from his siblings in the corner of the box, so I went to move him. I picked him up and thought he wasn't breathing, until after about 10seconds he took a deep sudden breath.
So, I knew then that this was pretty much done. I picked him up and put him in the front of my shirt between my breasts, because to me it seemed to be the warmest spot. I just held him there for thirty minutes, scratching his tiny head, and listening to the air leaving his body.
I couldn't look at his face, even when I was fairly certain he'd already gone. I just kept holding him and petting him, and when I did finally pull him away to check his little face, his body was rigid...forever fixed into a little ball with his mouth open.
I guess I'm trying to tell myself that in some way this wasn't my fault...but I'm pretty sure I must've gotten some formula into his lungs; something like that to cause such a rapid decline.
I really feel like a failure. I feel like what a terrible thing I've done, and I feel like I've let everyone down. I remember holding him yesterday, and telling him that I was going to get him through this - he would be ok. He just needed to get his energy back, and that was going to happen with being syringe fed.
I buried him in my garden, and that's when I finally started crying and tears started pouring down my face.
I feel like most of all I let Wiggles down. He was in my care, and my responsibility, and I killed him. I feel like a fucking jerk.
I am going to listen to Baek Ji Young ballads.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh honey, how could this be your fault? Firstly, if you'd gotten formula into his lungs enough to kill him, he'd have been choking and you'd know about it. Otherwise, aspirating him would have made him develop pneumonia, but that takes time and again I think you'd have known about it; you'd her his lungs murmuring, not just wheezing from flu. People have said that you're lucky if all cats in a litter do make it because this happens a lot. It may not make it easier, but as long as you kept him hydrated, I doubt there's much more anyone else could've done. Also, Ferne told me the first two kittens she'd ever looked after died both at the same time. It just happens : ( I guess I was lucky enough to get older ones.
ReplyDeleteawww, I'm so so sorry. Poor little guy.
ReplyDeleteIt was in no way your fault though. Despite your best efforts, Chai knew something was wrong with him and knew to focus on her other kittens. From everythig I've heard/read...this just happens sometimes. There wasn't anything you could do. Remember that you have several other kittens and their momma who would be god knows where if it weren't for you. You're doing a great job.
You silly girl...((((Big hugs)))) Why is it we always want to take the blame for something that may have happened in nature?
ReplyDeleteYou can congratulate yourself - you're an official rescuer. I'm so proud of you Tally. We grieve. We brush off the dust and we keep moving forward because somebody else needs us.
You're in good company in your grief. Hang in there, sweetie.
-Beth
I KNOW that you did everything you possibly could to save Wiggles. Your love, compassion and dedication to your kittens is unlike anything I have seem before.
ReplyDeleteThese things do happen, no matter how much we try. It's never easy, but as Beth said the best thing to do is brush off the dust and save the ones we can.
I lost 2 of my kittens unexpectedly last night :( Before I laid them to rest this morning I gave them each a kiss and told them to take good care of wee Wiggles.