Calling it

I wrote this to this, or if you've seen The Departed/Infernal Affairs(1&3?) this.


I feel relatively comfortable saying that Stubby drew his last breath a few minutes ago. They're still huddled together in my sheet, I don't really have the heart at the moment to tear them apart.

I wish I knew what to say. Irrelevant as it may be, and as much as my boyfriend may disagree, I've realized I'm a stronger person in the last week. I'd never seen death before, and in an hour, I'll have four kittens buried in my yard.

We watched Public Enemies the other day, and the parts that really stuck were the parts that mentioned watching someone die. I can at least imagine what that's like now.

Before Wiggles, I never thought I'd make it through this without dying inside to some degree. As time passed, my anxiety rose, and I doubted I'd make it through this again...but somehow I have; somehow I have come to peace with all of this. I remember when someone brought a cat that had died in to the vet clinic I used to work at; I called my then-boyfriend to come and put it in the freezer for me. I have always been terrified of death.

I guess that's not necessarily truthful. I have watched animals be euthanized; but it's just different. The pug I saw die the first time, because his owner was moving, brought me to tears in the back. Subsequent animals failed to affect me immediately - I guess because a loving owner was always there and the corpse was still warm...it didn't feel dead to me...just like I was moving any animal.

I've mentioned to others that I don't want to foster newborns anymore....for a while at least. &idk, every time I say that I slap myself mentally and think "what a selfish thought"...I've got to get back on that horse, and I have to realize that without me these kittens might not have any other chance. So, boohoo it hurts...but are you kidding? You value your pain > saving a little life?

I don't know, this week sucks. Everything sucks. I just hope McScreamy can get through it all. I just hope this wasn't a fucking waste.

I love how half the stuff I write about is super creepy. Like the fact that right now, I just want to cuddle Stubby. How sick is it to want to cradle a cat in your arms until rigor mortis sets in.

Sometimes I wish I still had a "regular blog" - I keep wanting to write about non kitten related things.