Seriously, what is wrong with me ><

So, last night I got an e-mail from Heather asking me if I wanted to head out to the shelter with her again to pick up Coleman, another Persian.

I had nothing better to do, I rarely get out, and like a dog, I like going for rides! - so, I said sure, why not.

We get to the shelter...and I like looking at cats. I know it's sad for some people, but I'm like a goldfish with a 30 second memory; the "kitten" effect never diminishes with me. &I'm not even kidding. I probably have seen around 30 kittens today...and for *each and every* one "Omg, you're so cute! Look at you!!" - even with a packed house of my own, stopping at Heather's on the way back lead to much more "Oh let me hold you! You're so soft! I love you!".

So, back to the point, I had promised my boyfriend "99% I won't bring a cat home...unless there are like orphaned newborns who are going to be put down, and even then, I think I can say no".
Of course we walk by a cage, and guess what. Five two and a half week old gorgeous kittens.

As we kept walking I made Heather stop and asked, "they're going to be okay right? They're big enough to wait in the shelter?". She looked at them and said no. Five minutes later I was bugging her again, "Are you sure? Why???". We asked the vet tech who had gotten Coleman out of his cage, and she confirmed what Heather already knew. Then Heather asked, "should I take them?" and both of them laughed when they heard how quickly I said "YES".

So, working out logistics, Heather revealed that she had already been considering taking the pregnant Kiki home with her - and 5 kittens meant no Kiki. So of course, like a teenager, I say that I can do it if another foster home can take two or three of my kittens. Heather tells me she can put them in the Pet Valu store in a few days, &the deal is done.

&I have never felt so terrible fostering kittens, I know I haven't fostered a lot, but I have just been racked with guilt all the way home. I remember her saying "Once you pass that door, you can't give them back" and I replied "then let's get through there asap".

My boyfriend is going to kill me, and I know that it's "too many" cats. I know how other people see me, I have gotten a lot of phone calls and shocked faces when I tell people how many cats I have in my house. &it makes me feel bad - I feel embarrassed, and immature...and I don't know how to put it. Going into the situation I was conscious of the fact that I would probably not be too happy with myself later in the day - especially after really thinking yesterday that I can never foster this many cats again...because it just is really too much for me.

That being said, in that moment, and even still, I couldn't live with myself knowing that I let my feelings kill 5 little kittens. Five little gorgeous kittens. Chai has taken them all in, and she looks like a milk bag with 6 holes in her.

I pretty much think I can never go to the shelter again!